Some Questions I Can’t Answer

Allow me to talk to you as my friends and get personal. Recently, I wrote about what it’s been like to be “that girl that gets sick a lot” and how it has affected the way I look at life in general. I wrote about how this year alone, I’ve been admitted in several hospitals and been to so many clinics. There were a lot of things I wish I said, but I couldn’t. But now I will, because it seems necessary.
First of all, I think it’s rude to ask, “why do you get sick so frequently?” Or “what’s so wrong with you?” I know some ask my friends or family members instead, so I’ll give you the answer: I DON’T KNOW. But I don’t like that question. I know you may mean well, but all it does is make me feel bad about my condition.
If I’m to be honest, I don’t like to announce I’m ill again; heck, most times I just keep it to myself and tell family and a few friends. I know what a burden disease is. I don’t like it. I don’t like seeing my family look worried, or watch my mum move to my room just so we can get through the night, or someone carrying me because I’m too weak to stand, or all the money spent just so I can get the right care. I don’t even like hospitals and as much as I appreciate visitors when I’m admitted, I don’t like feeling like I’m troubling anyone. It’s unpleasant. And most nurses and doctors in Malawi make you feel like it’s your fault you’re ill (story for another day). I don’t like it. At all.
So please, I’m begging you, this, “why are you always sick” question, I know you may mean well, but it’s not a nice thing to ask someone who is suffering. All it does is make me feel worse about my condition. Because I DON’T KNOW. And if I’m honest, it’s one of the main reasons why I keep the pain I’m feeling to myself because I’m worried it will be, “eish, she’s sick again, what’s wrong this time”, but all that does is make everything worse because by the time I’m seeking help, I’m too sick. You can ask my close friends and family, how strong I force myself to be just so I’m not viewed as “that sick girl”. I used to force myself to class in uni. Now I force myself to work. I show up. I laugh about things. I keep moving. It hasn’t been a very smooth ride for me or my family. If you are really concerned about my health, please remember me in prayer, or give me an encouraging word. That’s all I can ask.

Thank you.

Posted in Random Ramblings.

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